My name is Ruba Qewar, I was born in Denmark year 1981, then came with the family to Jordan in 1985, my father became a pastor of the church after my grandfather who was a pastor too. My uncle is a pastor and my cousin is married to a pastor as well. We are a very religious family.
I stayed in Jordan from 1985 – 2002 and studied in mostly Islamic schools. I moved then to the United States as an immigrant, and my father died in 2003. At that time I started to move away from Christianity – after I was a very devoted Christian, serving the Lord in the church – and had a cultural shock.
Islam Story and Reasons for Islam:
There are four reasons blew my mind and made me seriously thinking to convert to Islam and become a Muslim:
Bible Study: I met a group of youth people in the school. One of them asked me: “Where did Jesus say in the Bible that he’s God?” I answered him from the Bible: “Jesus said: The father and I are one! Whoever saw me saw the father!” He replied: “That doesn’t prove that the Christ is God! God talked to Moses in the Old Testament and said to him frankly that HE is the Only God that worthy to be worshipped. Jesus never said: I am God in the New Testament!”
I went home and and started to read the Bible, I was astonished when I read through to find the Truth. I couldn’t find one verse Jesus says about himself that he’s God or “The God Son!” I have read the four gospels; Matthew, Mark, Luke and John and I started to be worry when I reached to the end of John because I couldn’t find one verse proves the divinity of Jesus!
I closed the Bible, looked at the book and asked myself: “why am I worshipping Jesus if he never said that he’s God? Where did I get my information from about the theology of the Christ?” I remembered when I was studying the History of the Bible, the British Professor said: “I have gone to the museum of the manuscripts of the Bible. I found that most of these Greek manuscripts are lost, destroyed and wiped out!” I asked myself: “If God is Perfect, then why His book is imperfect?” Finally a verse at the end of John enlightened in front of my eyes which made me think deep and change my view about the Christ. Jesus says in John 17 : 3 “This is the Eternal Life; is to know You – the Father - as the only true one God and Jesus Christ who you have sent!” it’s like Jesus is saying that there is only one God worthy to be worshipped and Jesus Christ is a Messenger of God! This what made the correct Fitrah (The correct faith that God put in our heart from the day we are born) to grow again in my heart. Since then I left the church and I started to seek for another monotheist church!
Reading the Quraan: I went to many other churches to seek the Truth, I asked my Uncle – who is a pastor in the Baptist Church – and I debated with my mother so many times about the divinity of Jesus! I went to Buddhist temple and talked to the monks, I entered the Sikhs holy places and watched them while they’re worshipping their God!
Finally! I decided to read the Qura’an, not to seek for the Truth but to prove to the Muslims that they are wrong and I am right! I wanted to find the mistakes in the Qura’an and attack them! I have learnt in the church that the Qura’an is only a written book from someone who calls himself a prophet! I never thought that this may be the Truth since I well experienced the treatment of the so called Muslims! I never thought that Islam would be a way of the salvation!
I didn’t have a Qura’an at home, so I opened www.muslim-web.com and started with the first chapter – Alfatihah, Albaqarah, Al-Imran, etc.
The first thing Jesus said when he was still a baby: “I am the slave – servant – of God!” Also Allaah says in the Qura’an: “certainly the people have committed blasphemy who say that God is Three gods!” that was an answer for me about the Trinity! Even the way of reading the Qura’an is totally different than the Bible. I wanted to search the bible to find prophesies about the Qura’an and the Prophet Muhammad – peace and blessings be upon him – in the Bible.
Finally I reached to Surat Al-Ma’edah verse 82 where Allaah says: “82. Strongest among men in enmity to the believers wilt thou find the Jews and Pagans; and nearest among them in love to the believers wilt thou find those who say, "We are Christians": because amongst these are men devoted to learning (pastors) and men who have renounced the world (monks), and they are not arrogant.”This verse grabbed my attention and started to read thoroughly – since I am from a family full of pastors and religious people, then continued: “83. And when they listen to the revelation received by the Messenger, thou wilt see their eyes overflowing with tears, for they recognise the truth:” I started to cry because I knew this is the Truth and I knew that Jesus Christ has prophesied about the Prophet Muhammad Peace be upon him in John 16. Then I read: “they pray: "Our Lord! we believe; write us down among the witnesses” I said: “Oh Lord, I have believed!” Then the Qura’an says: “"What cause can we have not to believe in Allah and the truth which has come to us, seeing that we long for our Lord to admit us to the company of the righteous?"”
I immediately went to my friends and said: “I bare witness that there is no God worthy to be worshipped but Allah, and I bare witness that Muhammad is the Messenger of Allah.”
Identity Crises:I was suffering all the time from the way people looked at me as Jordanian Arab CHRISTIAN female. I was one of the minorities in the Arab world, and I was taught as a minority that I had no rights in my country and I was being persecuted! When I moved to the USA, this did not change because I was one of the minorities in the US; I was a foreign Christian Arab female! I had to identify myself in the society. This feeling started with me when I was in the 10th grade.
The Political Events: One of the most influential events in my life was September 11th then the Abu-Ghareeb prison. I asked myself: what made people attack Islam and Muslims all the time? I had the belief – before Islam that Christians are the ones who are persecuted all the time! However after I saw what’s happening in the world I found that Islam is the one being hijacked! This is how the world treats the Truth all the time! So I was assured that Islam is the right religion. Before I say my witness statement, I was driving my car towards my friends – who I called and I haven’t seen them for at least two months – I said to myself: “24 years living as a lost person! 24 years of my life serving a religion that is built on theories and myths that are not exist in the Bible” I was so scared of the reaction of my family when they know that I will become a Muslim! I was afraid of the reaction of the society! Finally I saw my friends while I am crying and said: “I bare witness that there is no God but Allah and I bare witness that Muhammad is the Messenger of God”
I felt a great happiness to the limit that I wanted to stand on a high place and say: “I am a Muslim!” I didn’t care about anything.
There have been several reasons that caused me to leave the great religion. My ignorance, stupidity and dereliction were the main causes for that. I ask God the Almighty to forgive us all and keep us steadfast on His religion. Some of the reasons are:
First: Focusing on myself instead of focusing on Allah the Almighty. And As the prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said: “Every heart is between two of the Fingers of the Most Beneficent (Allah), Lord of all that exists, if He wills, He makes it straight, and if He wills, He makes it stray). With reference to that I say that all what happened to me was God’s will and however I do I won't thank Him the Almighty enough for bringing me back to the total and great bliss ; that is Islam the religion of peace and Truth.
I have been deviated from the right path when I focused on my self, because instead of thanking God for all His blessings on me and for guiding me to Islam. Adding to that that I have been through some difficult circumstances that have forced me to have a very negative look on the world. The beginning of my deviation has started with my divorce from my ex-husband (who has formulated half the religion for me), after many differences that led to the final separation between us in 2009. After my divorce, I longed to attract my family to Islam, so I went and lived in their home for a short time before my trip to Jordan. Despite being in horrible conditions on the psychological level, not being able to get over the shock, I was trying to apply Islam in front of them in the right way trying at the same time to get close to them after the big inconsistencies and problems we had that lasted for at least three years.
Religious extremism: When despair took me over and ate my soul, and by the time I have been expelled from home after a brief period, I decided to migrate to Muslim countries and leave the United States. In that period, I was studying religion at the hands of one of the religiously legitimate yet extremist Sheikh, who claims to be a Wahhabi from Saudi Arabia, but what he does in fact is to distort the image of the devout. But as a new Muslim, I did not realize this until it was too late. That Sheikh has been focusing on distributing his terrorist expiatory thoughts among us, at the same time, after my divorce, I was trying to unleash myself from a kind of spiritual apathy. As an alternative of going to God and asking His aid and assistance, I worked on the negative ideas and started to select what was wrong, tracing and criticizing people’s mistakes. Yes, I admit I was wrong and that this kind of religious extremism has led me to leave the religion by the back door, without even knowing that.
Psychological and spiritual terrorism by forcing people to extreme in religion without reading nor understanding of its provisions; if the devil could not remove religion from the hearts of human beings, he uses another way which is to push people very fast so they leave from the other door of apostasy out of extremism. Unfortunately, there are those who- in the name of religion- apply non ethical manners and use the name of Islam for unfruitful general purposes to psychologically manipulate people and making wars with the other groups. In addition to the many esisting examples of individual groups.
This repulsive obligation - even if with honest intention and love of good to others - used by that Sheikh on us has lead us to abhor the religion of God first. Then the faithful person has committed a sin; that is obligating others to be extremists in religion the way he is while they are not up to his level of faith yet. God says: "There is no compulsion in religion”. The greatest calamity was when he used Quran verses and hadith to threaten people and to provide neither related nor suitable guidelines in wrong situations compelling people of doing something undoable or to make them feel they did not get to that level yet and so on.
This so-called spiritual and psychological stress which is much worse than the physical abuse and it hurts even more.
- Media Exploitation: I remember that I was invited to one of the mosques to give a lecture entitled "Foretokens of Torah and the Bible about the Prophet Muhammad peace be upon him," and when I started the lecture, a woman asked to tell them my convert to Islam story and I replied requesting her to read it from my own site. Followed by another woman askeing the same thing to end up with a group of women protesting on the lecture and required to hear the story of my life!! I was really amazed from this command, instead of benefiting from the studies and experiences that I have, I see a lot of people who are interested in my private life and they follow up intensely, as if they have no life themselves. I also remember in one of the Islamic centers, the first question that was directed to me was if I was married or not, instead of focusing on the moral of my convert to Islam story! This applied the most on most of the media that wanted to lead the scoop and the media coverage about my private life. I felt fed up of repeating the story of my convert to Islam of people who did not care about the message I was trying to convey and that my faithful intention for God, and only wanted to focus on the personal. All that has driven me to a great temptation of fame and defamation, and I found that the hardest thing a person can apply in worship is sincerity in speech and action, and so I couldn’t do this gigantic work except with the help of the Lord of mankind.
Second: Culture Shock: When I moved from the United States to Jordan, in June 2009, I had been arrested in prison in the first three days of my stay in Jordan, for safety procedures, and this gave me a bad impression on the community and the way they deal with each other. I have always dreamed that I was going to the country of the companions of the prophet (may Allah be pleased with them), having in my mind the intention to seek knowledge, and putting my hopes and confidence on some Muslim sheikhs to assist me in my religion, but unfortunately; they could not confront and left me a lonely woman exposed to the arising winds of temptations and tribulations.
I have been in a self-conflict; I felt a great stress and was in a state of disappointment and depression. This is what I was suffering from in Jordan as a lonely divorced woman who failed in her marriage and was facing a lot of pressure by Muslims. I have been also accused a spy and have been espionaged . In addition to that, a woman appeared live on TV claiming I was disclosing new Muslims converting to Islam to their parents - without any proof of that. That was nothing but complete rumors and a false fabrication.
In spite of having those few people who took my hand, supported, and reinforced me at the same time, but they did not understand my personality and considered themselves friends of a celebrity and nothing more. Without going into the details of events in Jordan, I was frustrated, fell in despair and hopelessness, and once again I did not go to God, I started looking for happiness elsewhere in this world, and I blamed Muslims and Islam for all the depression I was in.
Third: Gossip and society mental illness: Perhaps one of the most negative things that struck me, is when I trusted a sister, and divulge her with my secrets and feelings and all I think about; but as soon as I turn my back to her, I find these words distorted to others, or they understand what I say the other way. Despite the fact that these people are with a good intention and an attempt to cease fire, but gossip has spoiled a lot of my preaching advocacy, and broke a lot of the confidence I had toward people, and I suddenly discovered I couldn’t have a longer trust to anyone to help me on what I was going to do in Jordan. I only found the conflict between the sisters was out of jealousy and hatred. I cannot speak openly about the events here. But what happened was a big tribulation, and I was the victim. At that time, I began to pray to God with tears of bitter asking him: "Why God? What did I do to deserve this? Do I deserve this response for my intention to come to Jordan asking for knowledge and completing my studies of Sharia? "Certainly, my complaints were wrong and a sin to God, I ask Him to forgive us all and I ask his pardon, but the mental illness of the society has destroyed much of the spiritual parts I had, and began to turn the correct Islamic concepts and ideas I had upside down. I am not saying here that Jordan is a bad country, on the contrary, a lot of people were good and devout, and there were scientists of whom I benefited very much, but maybe I was in the wrong place and mingled with the wrong groups the thing that led me to deviate from the right path of the Almighty. At that specific time I felt ashamed as a known figure in the society to complain or ask for aid and assistance of any human being, I did not trust anyone, at the time I had fears that they won’t understand or feel me.
Fourth: Isolating myself from Muslims: By the time I was exhausted from all these problems and tribulations, I decided to take some comfort and stay away from Muslims. This was the biggest mistake I have ever done in my life, and I began to feel free and that I could do what I wanted without anyone’s judgment. Despite the fact that I did nothing forbidden any lonely woman might do (All praise is due to Allah) Subhanahu Wa Ta'ala. I did not fall in forbidden acts, but my thoughts and ideologies started to change and to be more liberated, especially when I started to be more aware of non-Muslims while preaching them about Islam. At that time, my spiritualties and inner circuits were in their worst cases, so how could I preach people about Islam while I was not well preached? I then started to be attracted to them without noticing that. It might have been the killing boredom I was suffering from, feeling those who were interested in me, or at least those who pretended to care, until I finally I lost my spirituality.
Not to forget mentioning that I was under the influence of an old black magic when I was in the US, but its influence was strong because I stopped evoking God the way I used to do previously, and began to drift away from God’s light.
Fifth: The brainwash and intellectual terrorism: This is a too long story which events are hard to explain. I might mention the whole details (in a book) later, God willing.
The uncertainties: My long visits for non-Muslims and talking to them was by itself a kind of brainwashing. I used to spend over four hours a day with them talking to them about religion. Perhaps I was digging in the depths for the uncertainties that were haunting me at that time. These doubts have worked on eliminating my faith. Finally, after few days I decided to leave Islam after I could not pray, for when I was standing for prayer, my thoughts were swirling in intervention and I started to do forget some verses and words during the prayers. At the same time, my love to reading and study changed from reading and studying Islam; I even I started to love to read and become educated on everything except Islamic books. So I told them I stopped praying, they asked about the cause- with a pale smile on their faces- I answered: "I no longer believe in what I used to do".
I have been in a hard war with uncertainties, and I responded to most of them, but people who attacked me had no mercy and their innocent questions, sarcasm and their insult toward the Prophet (peace be upon him) were not for the sake of knowledge and searching for the truth; not even of a motive attempt to help me, but to ruin my beliefs, and to kill God’s unification instinct in me. For a preacher who answers their uncertainties is a big fish in them their fishing nets. After all, at that time I was with a weak faith, angry on the society, I felt very depressed, and I was ready to do anything to get out of the prison I felt; one without iron bars yet had a strong control on my mind.
- Playing on emotions: Finally, after recognizing that I no longer belonged to the Islamic religion and that I wanted to go back to what I was before Islam, I have been convinced that I should leave the country and return back to the United States with the excuse that if Muslims discovered my apostasy they might kill me in application of apostasy punishment in Islam. Thus, the plane ticket was booked against my will in 2010.
When I arrived to the United States a lot of quick coincidences happened to me which I cannot talk about, and I declared my apostasy for the first time on the Paltalk. A month later, Christian TV channels started to call me so they would get the scoop, putting me under pressure to declare that I left Islam. At last, and after many negotiations and dialogues, I have been convinced to show on Al Hayat Christian channel with the veil (Hijab) on my head so that Muslims won’t claim that the video is fabricated and that the woman in it is not Ruba!
The following day we went to the studio and I set with Waheed having suspicious feelings, but I couldn’t back off. My mother was sitting behind the glass with two Americans –evangelists-and I was wearing my veil. The program started, he was asking and I did answer his questions. Minutes later, they stopped photographing and he asked me to take off my veil before the camera. I hesitated at the beginning but I was convinced that I should do so to get the audience believe me. I felt I was in a spiral but inside I really wanted to get others trust because I knew very well I was losing very much by leaving Islam believing at the same time I was right and that I was doing what should be done.
I took off my veil and I felt numb for I have created a wall for myself in order to stop thinking. Minutes later, the channel man came to me announcing that my mom will show in the program as a surprise as if they were the ones who brought us again together; despite the fact that I have been living with her since a month before and traveled together on the same plane to Chicago. So, I hugged her in front of the camera wanting her to forgive me.
Time later, I have encountered more triturating things and really disgusting that I cannot mention in public for I moved from my family house to another place similar to a rehabilitation and an inclusive brainwashing place.
All I can say about the brainwash and the torture I suffered from is that they used all the possible ways to control my thoughts and orientationsin life without my will or decision under names such as “soul care”; this happened by re teaching me to have my place in the society.
Being under this kind of effect, I converted to Christianity. I suffered from controlling my social and physical environment in order to destroy any thought I could have against Christianity. I found I was being directed politically rather than religiously. According to the techniques that have been used against me: they isolated me away from the environment so that I wouldn’t know any information about what was going on and facing a very extensive psychological stress being at the same time cuffed in thoughts as a kind of punishment for not cooperating. In addition to creating a climate which represents that freedom is only related to the successful change toward the thoughts those people imply.
Emotional and social stress such as being obliged to long questionnaires and using humiliating and bad words to weaken the resistance. Attending daily study meetings to study the Christian thought to cross my mind memory in order to delete it and substitute it with other thoughts and beliefs.
In fact, those kinds of fundamentalists push hard on you till the death point, and then they save you, push on you even harder again till you see death’s door. When you are about to die, they take you back but after that they repeat the same way again and again to make you feel grateful for them for saving your life the way that you forget they were the ones who were about killing you, so you get the feeling that they saved your life and hence you should be obedient to them.
Through analyzing what that period’s proceedings, I have been in several phases of which the first one’s aim was to make me feel suspicious of the values I have from the past to an extent that would drive me to change these values or to convert to other substitute ones. This phase has ended up with confession of the sins I had done before. Then the re-freeze phase which crystallized in my acceptance of the other influential views hence start accepting what they offer. What they do is abusing the beneficiaries of the person on the new society, his new creed, in a way that would lead them leave the past easly.
Among the brainwashing methods that has been used with me is "weakness and dependence on others, fear and empathy”. These manifestations are of psychological advantage as a factor of the stress and the desired change. Another method is the Slogans Method in which they use slogans close to emotions and the subconscious and then repeating the rumor which often feeds the frustration by verbal deceptions and; its danger is stronger when it is not known to be wrong and rumor because it encompasses horizontaly among the society especially through individuals who feel defeated and frustrated, stressed and fatigue. Among the methods of brainwashing too is: Knowing what we love and hate to twist our arm in order to start the brainwashing. As for the frequent questionnaire, it led me to change some of my thoughts and orientaions for I could not bear so I surrendered to the new belief. One of the psychological techniques that accompanied the experience of brainwashing what is known as the theory of ( The Sleeper Effect) summarzied as that a human being stores a source or event in his memory which remains asleep inside till awaken by a source or event similar to that record. Since I grew up in an extremist Christian house, no wonder that I have a large sleep record which has been awaken into a revolution at a period of time that has led to destroy me.
All I can say in the end is that I overcame all this with the help of the Almighty God, and because I have a stronger instinct than all of this. I ask God to make us steadfast on His religion and to show us the truth and guide us to it.
above mentioned was the conclusion of the most primer causes that led to my apostasy. Their have been some other causes which I cannot talk about in details here.
Many Muslims accused me of not even being a Muslim. They claimed it all was a game by the church to have me spy on Muslims from a side and to influence Muslims espicially the new Muslims from another side.
Nonsense, when I converted to Islam the first time , I have faced many tribulations and physical violence which scars are still apparent on my body till the day. In addition to the psychological offense by the family and the church members; all in continuous repetitive attempts to get me back to Christianity. How could I help them then? I even used to shame most of the church practices while being a Muslim. Only God knows about the stories I faced through which God helped me to aid some ignorant Muslims out of the hands of evangelists and missionaries.
Let me say something here. Being a volunteer when I was a Muslim, I have been in hard sensitive and secretive positon. First of all, I focused on assisting new Muslim ladies and helping them avoid danger. I even exposed myself to danger more than one time all for the sake of God and then theirs. Seeing me close to any newly Muslim might have driven some people to think I was in relationships with Christians and to think negatively of me.
Second, Resisting Christianization either by helping teenagers who were attached to life lusts and attracted to the Christian religion in order to have them back to the true religion , or by the dialogues and debates I had against religion men and evangelist. Third: helping new Muslim ladies financially and emotionally by God's help.
Unfortunately, some Muslims who were possessed by jealousy and envy toward me (especially when I went to Jordan) for I stole and hijacked the spotlights from them as a broadcaster so they wanted to defeat me and tried to expel me out of the country.
It is worth mentioning the video on YouTube entitled ( By evidence and proof: Ruba Kewar is a spy) in which a woman appears claiming I did reveal to parents about their new Muslim ladies; the video is a part of a full episode I did upload before to my private channel. Some Muslims took and cut that specific section from the video on my private channel, played with the title in an attempt to stab me. If I were a spy, whouldn’t it have been better that I delete the video from my channel? Hide it from people? Is this logic ?
One of the other accusations is the love of fame and media. This is also not true. Although that fame and media are big sedition, but this was already my academic specialization. I have a certification in visual media and have worked in this field for a long period before and after my convert to Islam; especially in videotaping and web design. The other thing is that I have an open social personality and I do not hide anything. I have been raised up since childhood on tribunes, for my father is a pastor father who teaches on the stage, and my mother is a member of missionary campaigns who does not fear anybody. I began to teach children Bible stories (the Bible) in the church since the age of twelve on the podium. We are a very organized family in terms of time management, and I've learned since childhood not to waste one minute of my life without work and achievement. My appearance on TV and media is not to be known, but it is a nature I used to since childhood with no intentions to grab people’s attention. To clarify more, I have carried a message since childhood that I wanted to deliver around and to help others in a good faith. If I was a liar per to what some people say wouldn’t it have been better for me to stay under the cover of Islam during my first convert to Islam period the way hypocrites do. At least, I did not lie in what I believed in and I was honest with myself. I praise Allah the Almighty for bringing me back to the religion of truth, to great Islam, and ask Him to forgive me and accept my repentance.
Talking about reasons for my return to Islam, I have to thank God for by His help, first and foremost. So I thank the Almighty for His great grace which he granted me, and I ask Him to be steadfast on the religion. I refer to the reasons in several points:
First: Disbelief of the Christian conviction:
- Monothiesm: In spite of the fact that Christianity is considered a monothiest religion, but what I could not do is believe in the atonement of the Christ (Pbuh). I got kind of psychological schitzophrenia for of course I wanted to go back to my first case before Islam, and pray and worship Christ, but I could not; because deep in the bottoms of my heart I learned that what I was doing was wrong, and the more I begged him (Pbuh), the more I felt far from him. I even remember when I admitted the Christian Theology University in the last six months prior to my return to Islam, I felt a continuous grief in my chest in the housing, so I go out to the lake, sit watching nature, trees, birds, water, sky, and the sunset. I used to wonder to myself; I see the work of God the Creator and His picturesque, while the Christian belief states that the Christ is God incarnated to redeem mankind from sin. Did the creature need that redemption? If the Christ is God, then why cannot we see the effects of his work in this magnificent creature? Many questions were haunting me every day and I wanted to convince myself to ensure salvation - as Christians say - but I could not continue on this, because I knew it was not the truth even if I tried to convince myself with it.
- My refusal of the Trinity: Perhaps some of you heard some dialogues on Paltalk with some of the Muslim brothers interlocutors about the my beliefs of the Trinity. I have refused the Trinity strongly, even in the period during which I returned to Christianity and left Islam. At the University of Theology - during my Master's in the last six months before returning to Islam - I did not reach to studying the New Testament yet, but I joined the top of the Old Testament (Torah and books of the prophets before Jesus peace be upon them) and I have found striking similarities between the worship by Israelis and the ways they deal with God and between the faith of Islam. I could not find any evidence or trace of the Trinity in the Old Testament and I discussed this subject with the Professor of the article at length the thing that encouraged me more to reject the idea of Trinity.
Longing to bow to God: No honestly, I won’t hide that I passed through some days in which I felt very distressed, having an extreme inner rupture. I have thought of committing suicide several times, I reached to the point in which I had planned to go out and run away from people and live in a remote place with no living creatures. I wanted to escape reality and did not find a way to do so except in bowing to Allah.
In those nights which I used to stay with myself away from any creature, internal conflicts and severe depressions were haunting me. I was sitting reading in the Bible, discussing with myself what I was reading and I put my head on the ground, worshipping God and crying from the depthsHis of my heart seeking His help to get rid of these endless conflicts. I did not feel comfortable except in bowing to Allah.
My inability to deny what is in the Holy Quran and the Sunnah: Although I was summoned to work in one of the aggressive opponent to Islam channels in order to have a special missionary program against Islam. I have recorded 24 episodes in both Arabic and English languages; all of which are opponent to Islam, but in the depths of my heart I could not deny my love for the Holy Quran and the Sunnah of His Messenger(Pbuh). I was in a relationship with them, but a relationship similar to the one of a man who is trying to think negatively of his beloved in order to hate her. This was my status with the words of the Almighty and the Messenger of Allah my beloved (Pbuh). I could not stay away and separated from them and although I tried to appeal them to stay away more, I could not.
Throughout this period, while preparing for the episodes I have been in several obsessions and self-conflicts because most of those episodes were related to the creed I previously studied and made solid in me while being a Muslim. my studies were kind of searching in the depths of my heart for the truth I was hiding and trying to bury with no return, but the more I studied the more my instinct and thoughts woke up.
I remember when I was studying the old testament in the university a story in which I wrote in my final research a detailed study of the promises of the awaited prophet in the bible comparing it to the characters of the Christ (Pbuh). It was a respectful research that awakened the professor made him refuse it three times because I explained at the end of the research that all of the prophecies were about the final prophet Momahmmad (Pbuh). The research was not accepted unless after I diverged the sentence into :" These prophecies might be of someone else rather than the Christ. God knows".
Second: Revealing Christian Missionaries plans: I do not hide that I worked - after my leaving Islam - with missionary campaigns at the university, and with Catholic institutions which take care of the refugees, and other institutions. I also do not hide that I took two articles majoring in Christianization at the University and that my Master’s degree was specialized in Christian missionaries of evangelizing Muslims and who are in the Muslim world. The information I saw and got was only with God’s help. After my return to Islam I realized that all what happened with me has revealed to me things I wasn’t aware of; things I can not talk about in public yet I can arrange for lectures to educate anyone who is interested in the subject of Christianity and how to resist it. Third: Christian Media Tendency: I was a weapon to destroy Muslims in Christian hands. I felt I was a media cheap disgraceful tool they negotiate and nothing more. The goal was not ideological aims to spread truth and peace but a media target to report the scoops, and collect donations and money, while the doctrine goal is a secsondary target. All were false promises.
Fourth: Reverse Cultural Shock: The same way I was obsessed with a culture shock when I went to Jordan, it hit me again when I returned to the United States the time I was conquered by conflicts in the darkness of falsehood.
- Longing to bow: As I said earlier-non-Muslims civilizations- unfortunately, has no correct religious practices; the thing that confused me and I did not feel relaxed unless I practiced my old way of worship the way I did when I was a Muslim.
Longing for the veil: When I used to go out in front of people showing my hair, I used to get a sense of shame and guilt and so I started to put a handkerchief around my neck trying to cover parts of my body. This was not only out of decency, but also for I was certain that the veil is from God the Almighty.
I remember a small story that had happened to me: After almost a week of my secret return to Islam. My mother insisted that I go to the church with her so I entered with the veil covering my head without any declaration of my return to Islam yet. In the end of the meeting an old man came to me blaming me for wearing the veil, saying that what I did was a fatal error and that I had to take it off. I replied him that there was nothing wrong with the veil as long as I was in the church and that Paul ordered women to cover themselves in the church. That old man replied angrily: "Even if all the women of the church put a headscarf, you shall not !" I asked: "Why?" He said: "After you took it off in front of people, you want to wear it again? Do you want people to say that you have returned back to Islam?" I replied: "I do not care about what people say, and what I'm doing is from God”. We had a violent confrontation while the church audience were watching; I was very offended of his way of talking to me and decided not to go back to the church again.
- Longing to connect with the Creator: I previously mentioned this before when I spoke about bowing to God. Whenever I prayed to Christ or prayed the Christian way the more I felt far from the Creator and that I do not see the truth. I thought that it might has been because of the community to which I belonged and that it might have had wrong ethics. I felt a need and urge to find out another community and so I was baptized in the Coptic Orthodox church, but all of this did not bring me closer to the Creator, on the contrary, it turned things even worse. My mother noticed the severe depression I have been through beside the discussions and conflicts I was initiating at that period till one day she sat with me and said: "I see that your mind is still related to Islam, and this is a big problem. As I see you still do not believe in the Trinity." I replied: "Yes, even Jews and Christians of the first centuries did not know the Trinity and didn’t believe in it”. Mom and I had a tough debate and a discussion about the subject until my mother said to me :"Ruba, if you stayed this way you are going to kill and destroy yourself . You must find a good faith, or you will stay lost and confused. Go to a faith”. The sentence remained in my ears; I must make a vital decision, but I couldn’t go back to Islam then because I had taken my decision and I wouldn’t go back. People around began to have doubts regarding my Christianity and especially because I no longer believed in the Trinity. Again, I fell in the first dilemma I had when I first converted to Islam in 2005, but what kept Christians comfort toward me is that I was a fatal weapon for Muslims in uncertainties, and so they thought I wouldn’t convert to Islam again because this would challenge my reputation and would make me lose people's trust.
Fifth: Muslims who helped me in order to assist me through what I did to myself: These minority who were able to access my heart and mind in spite of the all the obstacles they faced and their only concern was to save me from Hell. They never asked for money, never damned me, not even remorsed me, but they were willing to help me asking God to guide me. May God reward them. Creeds: During my conversation with one of those Muslims, I was amused by the overwhelming happiness he was always talking to me with. I was surprised by the ecstasy of pray and worship. That guyhas always tried to awaken my memory of the period I was a Muslim in, telling me about the mosque and the love of God. I was thinking of myself as a Christian who asked Jesus Savior in my life, then why do not I feel this peace the guy is talking to me about? Why do not I feel happy? I started to have comparison between my life as a Christian and my life as a former Muslim. He was a cause God put on my way to bring me back to think about my previous life as a Muslim.
- Social conditions: My computer has been hacked more than one time and it was destroyed. Although this had been done by some ruined Muslims, but there were some true Muslims who helped me to restore some important files. Despite the fact that I was standing at the other end hostile to them, they helped me to try to find a job and advised me on some social issues. I owe them gratitude because their positive moral acts made me think twice about my thoughts and decisions about Islam. I Ask God the Almighty to reward them with the best.
Curing the black magic: I could not stand myself anymore and reached a point where I was really thinking of committing suicide by the time I was trying to avoid people as much as possible. I even no longer attended to church and turned my life studying, the Internet, and sometimes I sat outside the university housing in order to please myself. One day I was having discussions with a Muslim, and all of a sudden, he yelled at me and said: "You are a Muslim. but there was what distracts you and controls your mind". He then asked me to read the Holy Qur'an. I did not believe him at first, but his way of speaking encouraged me read the Quran to him that night. I felt a severe pain in my stomach and a headache too and reciting Quran was very hard for me by that time. I knew then about that black magic and that the pain I had was because I did not want to get healed from it by the Holy Qur'an at the beginning.
Since that day, I started to see nightmares and I have been in a severe depression. I found in my study for the old testament a lot of common things between the Islamic creed and shari’a so my study brought me closer to Islam instead of Christianity till I finally decided to get healed no matter the cost.
I started reciting Qura’n and I learned the Ruqyah Shariah and I was healed, all praise is due to Allah.
I started to compare my life as a Muslim and the ten months I spent as Christian (after I left Islam). A very big difference! Although I was granted with everything in Christianity, I did not feel comfortable with that because I couldn’t communicate with the Creator. I did not feel happy! Nonsense, unattainable promises and covenants that I could not reach! Extreme contradictions.
In Islam, when I was making bow to God (Sujod) and put my forehead on the ground I used to have a goose bump and a feeling of content, acceptance and satisfaction. I also felt the ecstasy of love, mercy, and forgiveness. An overwhelming happiness and pleasure from the inside to the outside. A steady solid unchangeable creed that has no other face. Yes, Islam is the truth.
What did I care about the first time I converted to Islam? And What did I care about when I left Islam thinking I was right? Now what would I care about if I go back to Islam again? What will I lose anyway? I expected the worst cases. I will not lose anything in this life and I knew that it may be hard for people to talk to me or to believe me once again. I believed in the prophet's (Pbuh ) hadith: “If Allah loves a slave, then he will try him” and I believed that when Allah loves someone, he will guide him to the right path and it must take a long time until confidence returns, such as the way things turned to with my parents after the first shock and the re-build of a new relationship, but first and foremost I wanted to Please Allah and then to satisfy myself, and I knew I won’t be quiet unless I go back to God.
In June 2011, while I was discussing the crucifixion of Christ with one of the female students, I went to my room and I felt that the moment has finally come inevitably, and that I couldn’t postpone more. Yes, I went to the bathroom -and washed- then wore my cloak (Aba'a) that I kept with my clothes and put the veil back and prayed Al Duhor ( Midday Prayer). During prayer, I got the feeling of a strong slap in my body, and I woke up to a bitter reality I could not forgive myself for. I then realized that I have sinned terribly wrong and that I commited a great sin. I wanted to humiliate Islam and revenge from Muslims who mistreated me, but indeed I humiliated myself and put my dignity which Islam granted me for my emotions and yielded for my tribulations and misfortune with Muslims. I conveyed myself to hell. I have done a great injustice to myself and all I need was God’s forgiveness and tolerance. What about the rights of people from which I have taken and mistreated? I myself bestowed myself to God in whom I trust and He defends me.
I reverted to God with weeping of bitterness, seeking His forgiveness. I could not face anyone in the beginning and I wore the veil again.
After three days , I announced to one of the Christians and some others that I am a Muslim. My Facebook account has been hacked and some discussions with Muslims of me declaring I was a Muslim have been recorded. This Christian has informed the university and they called me for the Management Office where I met with the Vice-President who asked me: "We have heard that you have returned to Islam, is this true?" I was hesitant at first and I told him I was hesitant. He said to me: "Everyone knows that now," I said: "Yes, I am a Muslim." He wanted to discuss it with me and tried to make me feel guilty by saying: "How can you leave Christ and his love and his salvation? Do you know that you are you going to Hell?" I replied: "We as Muslims believe the same for you, you will go to hell". I told him then that I did not intend to deceive anyone, but I already had a salvation story myself, and I already was a Christian who worked for Christianity, but I've found that what I was working for was not the truth. At the end of the meeting he asked me to clear myself from the university, and to get out of the university housing. This was the first of Ramadan (August mont) in 2011 and I asked him to stay at the university till the end of the month until I find another housing - without attending any lectures and that I would drop all my subjects for the next semester – and he agreed to do so. It was the month of Ramadan so I attended al Isha and al Taraweeh prayers which were hold in the mosque near to the university till Eid al-Fitr. By then I prayed with Muslims and then moved to my mother's house, who stipulated that I nor wear the veil ( hijab) at all neither read the Holy Quran or pray at home and I accepted temporarily.
Three months later of the continuous torture by my family and their continuous attempts to get me back to Christianity, one day my mother asked me to get her some groceries from the Arab Trade Market so I decided to go pray Al Duhr in the mosque.
When I finished praying in the mosque, I noticed an old woman staring at me with tears. She was Fawzia Sultana, an Indian Muslim, and a former neighbor who used to spend time at my house learning Arabic. When she saw me she hugged me strongly and made me a seat beside her, asked about my circumstances, asked about my phone number, and invited me to have lunch at her place. She then started to call me on daily basis and requested me to live with her at her place because by that time she was separated from her son and living on her own at the government expenses. She insisted on me and I felt embarrassed, but my family was forcing a pressure on me and it was getting worse.
Until the day and after I prayed istikhara, I sat down with my mom and I told her that it is impossible to stay at home as long as I was deprived of prayer and reading the Holy Quran. I asked her to leave the house, and I assured her I would be fine and I that I was not going to live on my own. In the end, I left home although I didn't have work to to provide sustenance to myself, but Allah Al Razzaq planned me to work the exact following day, and opened up the gates of his Rizq for me and provided me with His mercy, All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds. I am happy that I can pray freely and that I can also read the Holy Quran without any inconvenience or limits, and so I started memorizing the Quran again.
yes I returned to my home (the true faith) and of course at the beginning of my return to Islam I did with heavy tears and a broken heart I never had before. I became aware of the bad sin I did for oppressed myself and only God forgives sins. In spite of all the sitiuations around, I felt a unique relief and I felt content with myself for I was sure I did the right thing. I realized that the feelings I had when I left Islam were not true and they have disappeared since the first month. Now, a year has passed since the last time I converted again to Islam and each day passes I feel more secured and a closer to Allah. I ask Him to make me steadfast on the true faith.
I could have been living in the most fabulous palaces now being surrounded with a crew of a security team, and I could have been working in one of the Christian channels and have my own programs being rewarded with social, and political awards. I could be a presenter of meetings and conferences world wild attacking Muslims and Islam. I could be living with my family now enjoying the family and the social ties. I could be a Christian surrounded with encouragements about what I do and feeling content, but since I knew I could be successful in this life but a failure and in disappointment in the after life which will get me punished; I knew the truth and I knew I only might have been far for awhile ,but I couldn’t stay far away from God. So how would I dare to turn my face to the truth I knew ?
I ask honesty in sayings and deeds from Allah and I ask His success to what He is pleased with.
Jazakom Allah khair.